OK, Lord

Today was a hard, but good day.
It was a step out of the difficult time our family has been going through, towards an equally painful time, but also one that has a little more hope.
Today we had the long awaited appointment with the Psychiatrist who can hopefully help us to help our child.
At the end of it all, he said that he is almost completely sure that there is an Oppositional Defiant Disorder diagnosis, and most likely an ADHD diagnosis, but we have to get more information from his teachers, and meet with him probably quite a few more times before we can come to any real conclusion. At the end of the day, being diagnosed with something, anything, and assigning something or someone a label doesn't change a thing about who they are, but I am eager to learn more about how we can help him.
This afternoon we went to adoration. Taking the kids can be nervewracking, but it is always so sweet. The big kids (3.5 and 5) almost have a built in reverence for the experience. The quiet in the chapel is palpable, and while they don't sit perfectly still, or perfectly quietly, they assume the posture of the other people who are there, and do their best to stay quiet and "talk to Jesus in their hearts." As I sat down this afternoon, I could hardly pray, other than just repeating the name of Jesus over and over. My 18 month old snuggled in my lap and laid his head on my chest. He was just docile, and it made me understand that idea of resting in the presence of Jesus a bit more. Jesus wants me to just be docile and at peace in his presence. What a gift that He's always there for us to come and spend time with him. The baby sat on my lap quietly, while the big kids took it in turns to kneel, sit and look at their books, inspect all the rosaries, and cautiously walk up onto the platform where Jesus was. When the squirmies started, and it was time to go, the five year old didn't want to leave.
I feel so clueless sometimes about how to raise my kids. We have made so many mistakes, and trying to do everything is a overwhelming temptation.
Today, for that moment, my heart felt peace, the first time in a long time. I understood that if I did nothing else, bringing them into the presence of Jesus would be enough. Letting Him have access to them: bringing them to mass, and into the quiet of the adoration chapel; later when they are older, taking them along to regular confession...these actions matter, even if no words are spoken, and no other teaching takes place (even though we do attempt other teaching). All of our efforts towards bringing our children to Jesus are worthy, but the fundamentals are still the same. Let the children come to Him. I hope that being in His presence, and seeing me in His presence will help them to understand their worth in God's eyes, and the importance of spending time with Him. A friend reminded me recently, that even if family prayer isn't taking place as much as we would like it to during this hard season, it's so important for the kids to see their mom and dad reaching out to the Lord and prioritizing prayer. Sometimes, like now when my own prayer life is suffering, the best I can do is load them into the car for a trip to the chapel. And it's a beautiful thing, every time.

My prayer today looks like this..." OK, Lord." Just an acceptance of each thing He's putting in my path. Each moment, beautiful or maddening. "OK, Lord." And I hope I can continue to utter that prayer, whatever comes our way.

Welcome

A while back I started a blog. I used to blog a lot in high school and college, before it got cool, and I loved it. When I became a mom I tried to keep it up and I just couldn't. So a while back I got inspired and decided on a whim that I was going to challenge myself to blog a reflection on the Psalms. Every. Single. One. I was super excited to have a goal, because I really needed one. Until about two weeks in when I realized just how much that challenge was not going to fit into my life right now.
I was embarrassed, and frustrated, because my desire to DO something, to be sharing what I felt I had to share with the world, just seemed impossible.
I felt like a passionate person without a passion. A creative, without an outlet. "Just" a mom. Not a mom with a blog, or an etsy shop, or a ministry, or even a plan. "Just a mom."

This is something I've thought about a lot since becoming a parent. My identity seemed to get all sucked up in mommyhood, and I've had pretty regular identity crises since that moment five years ago when my first kid arrived on the scene. I've birthed three kids, followed my husband in his ministry, and his job changes, bopped along feeling inadequate, and lost and every once in a while breaking out in a cold sweat, wondering if this was how things were going to be from now on.

I've been pining for the person that I used to be. Or at least the person I thought that I was. But God has changed me. I'm not that person anymore. And I'm not called to do the things that other people are doing. I'm not even being called to do the things I desire to do. At least not now. Right now I'm being called to just do the next thing. "Love well the person right in front of me." To "Wash the plate, not because it is dirty, not because you are told to wash it, but because you love the person who will use it next." Do the laundry. Be a friend. Be a wife. Do the mom thing, and do it joyfully. Rejoice in the successes of others, the things they are doing to build the kingdom, but not feel inadequate for not adding to that effort in the same way.

I am an introvert. A big one. But since becoming a mom, I've branched out a lot. I share shamelessly (well...almost) about my failures big and small on social media, and reach out to people, and take risks, because I am hoping to reach just one person. To be an encouragement to someone who is lonely, in the trenches, someone who needs a friend. To love my neighbor.

So this is my new blog, where I am just me. Where I'm not trying to meet an impossible goal, but just share the things that are on my heart, and hope that one person can feel encouraged. Where I will probably regularly quote St. Mother Theresa, because she's my girl. Where I will write about, and sometimes bemoan, the way that God is shaping the person that I am now, by asking me to walk through the sometimes mundane moments of my life as a wife and mother. Where I wash the plate, because it needs washing, and give the hug, change the diaper, and...you get the idea. Because it needs doing. And because its teaching me how to love.

I hope that you, whoever you are, can be encouraged, can maybe feel a little less alone.