Introvert mom makes friends

It's been a weird friendship year for me. I don't think that anything could have really prepared me for being plunged into the post-college world of actually having to reach out to people and form friendships as an adult. Personally, I feel it has all the awkwardness and second-guessing of dating relationships. For a few years there, we moved so many times, that I didn't have time to over analyze my friendships, or get too worked up over our lack of community. But since moving back to my hometown, joining a parish,  and starting our oldest off in kindergarten, we've had quite a lot of time to consider the kind of community we want to be a part of, and the kind of relationships we want to have. And here's the scoop: we have been bit lonely.

Making mom friends has been a struggle for me. I am an introvert, and a stay at home mom, which means I technically don't have to see other adults during the day. Even if you aren't those things, being a parent can just be plain lonely sometimes. Patrick and I were the first of our friends to get married, and start having kids, and there aren't many (or really any) couples in our lives who are far removed enough from the baby/toddler years to be mentors, but still close enough to offer real advice.
You see a mom across the aisle at church, or at the play place or the park, with kids the same age, and you wonder if you should strike up a conversation. Once you have, you start wondering if you should be the wackadoodle at the mall playground trolling for other mom's phone numbers, or if that is just going to make you appear completely desperate.
Insecure woman that I am, I also struggle with feeling like maybe I am the only one out there who needs friends, and maybe everyone else already  has a strong support system, or a community in place.
I've come to a realization over the past few years however and it's this: You have to take a risk. You have to put yourself out there. Invite people over. Ask someone to coffee. Set up the play date. Just do something. Anything. Know that rejection is a possibility, but take the leap anyway. Here are a few things I've learned about making friends as an introvert, over-analyzing, anxious, stay at home mom:

1. Take a risk
You've been seeing a certain mom around town or church, or at the park for a while, and have chatted with her a time or two. Make a move, and ask to get together, or even just ask for her phone number or email. Reach out. Once you've made that first move, the ball is in the other person's court. But at least you know that you made the effort to connect. 

2. Find common ground
One of my best mom friends is a woman I've only known about two years, but we were pregnant at the same time, and our oldest kids were in the same preschool class. Because of the pregnancies, we connected right away (complaining about having to walk up all the flights of stairs to the classroom), and our friendship really started when I took dinner to her house after her twins were born. We have had play dates or hung out together at least once every two weeks at the most since then. Let the kids, or the bellies, or the coffee, or whatever it is, be the thing that gives you an in at the beginning.

3. Don't fear rejection
While I've been incredibly blessed by the one or two good mom friends that I have, there have also been a lot of misses, and a lot of hurt feelings on my end. The texts and phone calls that have gone unanswered. Not being included when I thought I might be. It's a hard, hard thing, and even as an adult it hurts. But the reality is, if you're going to put yourself out there, and take a risk, you are inviting the possibility of rejection. However, you're also inviting the possibility of a fantastic friendship. You just never know. Try your best not to close yourself off to the good, by trying to protect yourself from the not-so-good.

4. One good friend
It can be easy, especially when you are really craving good community, to start thinking that you need to be surrounded by lots of friends. I think most people have a tendency to want to be a part of a group, and those groups of great women friends you sometimes see represented on social media are fantastic, and wouldn't we all love to be a part of that? BUT. One good, real, true, authentic friendship can make all the difference. ONE. If you have that one, good friend, remember to be grateful and to nourish that friendship. Quality, not quantity.


 5.Know you aren't alone
An old friend of mine, and I just had a long overdue phone conversation about this just today. Not only did Jesus enter into extreme rejection and loneliness during his earthly life, He endures it still. In the face of his suffering, our sufferings are nothing, but we are human, and He knows our pain and our loneliness more intimately than anyone else could. He is with us in our loneliness, and in the rejection, and in the desire for community. And so is His Blessed Mother. Who could understand the rejection that Jesus endured more than his own Mother? Jesus and Mary are there for us in our times of loneliness, make no mistake. 

6. Pray, and don't give up 
Sometimes I forget that the most important step I need to take is praying for God to bring friendships and godly relationships into my life. If you are feeling like you need a mentor, or a deeper sense of community, pray first. Ask God to bring the right people into your life at the right time, and then do your best to wait patiently. You might want to give up, turn your cell phone off, and wait to see if anyone comes to find you, while you wallow in a pit of self pity and frustration. Don't. Don't give up, and keep praying.

It's easy to log onto social media and see the kinds of communities that other women are a part of, and feel discouraged. What you don't see is that those relationships most likely took years to form, and plenty of effort. More than likely, if you are going through a season of loneliness or a friendship-desert right now, you will be able to look back 10 or 15 years from now and see how God worked through the carrying of that cross to provide the community you so desperately needed.

And bring it to the foot of the cross. As many times as it takes.